First of all, I apologize for the ugly color scheme and layout of my blog. I never settled on anything that I was happy with, and since I write on this this basically once a year, I never cared enough about the look of it. If you can stand the hideousness, please enjoy this list of my least favorite films from 2017!
10. Pitch Perfect 3
I'm sorry, Twin, Jet, and Kenneth! I had a blast hanging out and seeing this with you guys, but the more I think about the actual movie...the more upset I get. I am not ashamed to admit that I loved Pitch Perfect and Pitch Perfect 2! I think they are both great and funny and uplifting. I love the characters, and I love the friendship they have with each other. That's why I was super excited to see this movie! I wanted more of that! More fun, silly, strong female friendships and great singing! But what I got was a steaming load of crap! I'm 100% certain every single person who worked on this movie just phoned it in. Because the first two movies were so successful, they thought they could slap together a pile of poo and people would still go see it. Well, I mean, I totally fell for it because I did go see it, but I was very disappointed! The singing bits weren't even that good! Admittedly, this is only at #10, so, like, I didn't hate it. Compared to the other films on this list, the movie isn't horrible, but compared to the other Pitch Perfect movies, it's disproportionately bad! And what was up with that lame story line they gave to Fat Amy? Fat Amy's long lost father shows up but he turns out to be an international wanted mob boss or something stupid like that. It was dumb.
9. Loving Vincent
I hate that this movie is on this list. I was super excited to see it because it's so revolutionary! But oh my god, it's boring! This is the movie that was completely painted. It's literally a moving painting. It is beautiful, but slow. To be fair, it was really late when I watched it, and I was tired, so I was falling in and out of sleep. The just thing to do would be to re-watch the film while it's not late and I'm not super tired, but from what I saw of the film, I have no desire to do so. It is quite slow. You know what this movie reminds me of? Citizen Kane. Citizen Kane is also very revolutionary for its time, but it is a film that is VERY difficult for me to get through. I have had to watch Citizen Kane multiple times for various film classes, and to this day, I can tell you that I have never NOT fallen asleep while watching that movie. I think it's safe to say that Loving Vincent will have the same affect on me. The plot is kind of similar. A year after Vincent Van Gogh's death, a postman's son, Armand, is given the task to deliver a letter Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his now deceased brother. Since both Vincent and the brother are dead, I think Armand is trying to decide who is the next best person to receive the letter. Why this letter was not delivered in the first place...that I am not clear on. Anyway, in his mission to find a worthy recipient, Armand interviews various people in Vincent's life and learns a lot about who Vincent was, and how people perceived him to be. In the end, Vincent is more mysterious and misunderstood than ever to Armand. Much like Vincent's paintings themselves.
8. My Cousin Rachel
So around August, I usually start researching possible Oscar contenders from various internet sources, and I add anything that sounds interesting to my Netflix list. That way, the movies are always on my radar, and I can see them once they become available. Most of the time, the predictions are really good movies, and a handful of them do end up with Oscar nominations. But in this case, My Cousin Rachel was NOT Oscar worthy. I think someone somewhere on the internet had put this on their Oscar contender list because Rachel Weisz turned in a good performance, and then I happened to stumble upon this person's list, and added the film to my Netflix list. Well, whoever this mysterious person is (there is no way for me to find out - I browse many, many articles, blogs, etc.) should be fired! To be fair, the movie isn't awful. It is only at #8 on this list after all. But it's kind of freakin' boring! And there's a lot of incest in it. Cousin Rachel goes from one cousin to the next. Ew. I have a very hard time with incest....
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
I feel like I said the exact same thing about Pirates 4: "Why do they keep making these and why do I keep watching them?" It wasn't as bad as number 4. And Orlando and Keira pop up in this one, so that was kind of fun to see them. But, yeah. So over these movies. It makes me sad that this franchise just went to hell. The first Pirates is exceptionally good and it never gets old, but I can't stand any of the others! Speaking of old, by now, the character of Jack Sparrow should be in his 60's! He adventures around with Orlando and Keira's son in this one, and the kid is like 20 years old! If they make number 6 - and hope they do not! - but if they do, I hope Jack Sparrow dies in it.
6. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Okay I'll be upfront with you. I didn't exactly watch this movie. Not really. It was on, and very early into it, I lost interest and started browsing Instagram. And then nothing from the movie stuck. So, I mean, technically, this should fall into the category of "haven't seen" for me, but I feel like I saw enough to know it wasn't good. Charlie Hunnam is hot, and even he couldn't keep me away from Instagram. That's gotta be a bad sign, right?
5. El Camino Christmas
This is a Netflix movie. Not sure if anyone has seen it, but I don't recommend it. Something about this guy who holds people up in a convenience store during Christmas Eve, and there's a stand off between him and the cops outside. But it was really all one big misunderstanding and a bunch of people die when there was really no need. Dax Shepard plays a dodo cop. I think it was supposed to be a comedy of sorts? It wasn't stab me in the face terrible, but it was pretty bad.
4. Beauty and the Beast
I'm going to get a lot of crap for this one. I realize how successful and how beloved this film was. But I'm sorry, you guys, let's be honest. You can't fix perfection. The original Beauty and the Beast is as good as any movie can be. A live action adaptation is not going to do anything to elevate the story in any way! And those lame scenes that were added to, like, explain Beast more? Completely unnecessary! And while we're on the subject of Beast, let's talk about how awful he looked! I did not like the horns or his nose or his FACE. He looked stupid. He sounded stupid too. You know who else sounded stupid? Belle. Normally, I do like Emma Watson. But her performance was AWFUL! She put NO expression into her performance at all! It was on par with a Kirsten Stewart Twilight performance, and if you know me, you know how much I HATE Kristen Stewart in Twilight. Animated Belle's performance had more expression and enthusiasm than live action Emma Watson did. I was extremely disappointed. I do love me some Ewan McGregor, and it was great to hear him sing Be Our Guest, but Ewan couldn't save it. I will say, though, that there was one bright light that shone in this movie. One person who made the atrocious experience of watching this movie tolerable. And that is Luke Evans as Gaston. Before Beauty and the Beast, I didn't really know who he was. Now I see him everywhere! He's FANTASTIC as Gaston! His performance was magnetic, and his singing was really great! I am now a fan and I can't wait to watch him in films! Just not this one.
3. The Snowman
*Warning: Spoilers!* I guess it was only a matter of time before Fassy is in a bad movie. I heard rumors that this was bad, but I shrugged them off because it's Fassy, and Fassy usually picks good films, so I went in not expecting anything. Hot damn, this movie is bad! Even Fassy couldn't save it! The most hilarious thing is how seriously the film takes itself, yet, the entire plot doesn't make sense. I can't explain it to you without giving away the twist, but the movie is so terrible, that I don't really feel bad about the diarrhea of spoilers I'm about to inflict on you.
So the story is, there's this serial killer who goes around killing people, and every time he kills someone, he builds a snowman. Each time the film reveals a dead body, they would cut to the snowman nearby and play ominous music - it was hilarious! Fassy is the detective who is investigating the case. In the end, they reveal who the killer is, and why he is killing all these people. WELL it turns out that the killer was raised by his mother, and the two of them lived in deserted house in the middle of nowhere. He and his mother would get weekly visits from "Uncle" every Tuesday. During these visits "Uncle" would help the boy with his homework, abuse his mother, and then have sex with her. He would also overhear conversations between his mother and "Uncle" about how he doesn't know the truth, or how "Uncle's" wife and real family doesn't know the truth. And whenever he would ask his mom who his father is, she would refuse to tell him. Now, maybe the kid isn't too bright, but I find it VERY difficult to believe that he never put the pieces together. His mother dies in a car accident trying to chase down "Uncle". And what was the kid doing right before his mother died? Building a snowman! But here's where nothing makes sense. Even though his mother was nice to him (as far as I could tell), and even though it was "Uncle" who beat up his mother and drove her to her death, the kid hated his mother so much that he grew up to be the killer of single mothers who won't tell their children who their dad is. ????? Dafuq, right?!? Why he got a grudge against his mom? First of all, if you seriously couldn't figure out that "Uncle" is your dad, you're dumb. Secondly, your mom was trying to protect you from your piece of shit dad. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!! If anything, he should be going around murdering abusive deadbeat fathers who pretend to be uncles. And the whole snowman thing...hysterical!
2. The Great Wall
I'm going to clear up the rumors: Matt Damon does NOT play an Asian in this movie. It's not racist yellow face casting like how Emma Stone played an Asian in Aloha. Matt Damon's character is white. And honestly, I didn't find the film racist, per say. What it is, however, is a missed opportunity and a retelling of a tired narrative. Matt Damon's character didn't have to be European. The character could have been written as an Asian from another country. What's frustrating is that most of the entire cast is Chinese, even some of the crew and director are Chinese, and I believe it was shot in China, yet, the producers still chose to cast a famous American WHITE actor as the star, the lead, and ultimately and most frustratingly, the character who saves China. There are so many movies out there about a white man who comes to a foreign land, masters the native's skills, is better at those skills than the locals who have been doing it for hundreds of years, and then ascends to being the their god/white savior. As an Asian, I'm so done with this white savior narrative. SO DONE. But putting aside the racial issues, the film itself is not good.
1. Snatched
This movie is very poor. Obviously - it IS #1 on the list. I think the producers thought that just because they made a raunchy movie starring Amy Schumer with a dirty title, they'd automatically make money. It's like ever since Bridesmaids, studios have been trying to appeal to that same audience with cheap, trashy movies. Don't get me wrong. I love a good cheap trashy flick, but you gotta have heart to it. Which is what this movie is greatly missing. They tried to show heart by making the story a mother-daughter bonding thing, but they didn't try hard enough. It wasn't even funny.
10. Pitch Perfect 3
I'm sorry, Twin, Jet, and Kenneth! I had a blast hanging out and seeing this with you guys, but the more I think about the actual movie...the more upset I get. I am not ashamed to admit that I loved Pitch Perfect and Pitch Perfect 2! I think they are both great and funny and uplifting. I love the characters, and I love the friendship they have with each other. That's why I was super excited to see this movie! I wanted more of that! More fun, silly, strong female friendships and great singing! But what I got was a steaming load of crap! I'm 100% certain every single person who worked on this movie just phoned it in. Because the first two movies were so successful, they thought they could slap together a pile of poo and people would still go see it. Well, I mean, I totally fell for it because I did go see it, but I was very disappointed! The singing bits weren't even that good! Admittedly, this is only at #10, so, like, I didn't hate it. Compared to the other films on this list, the movie isn't horrible, but compared to the other Pitch Perfect movies, it's disproportionately bad! And what was up with that lame story line they gave to Fat Amy? Fat Amy's long lost father shows up but he turns out to be an international wanted mob boss or something stupid like that. It was dumb.
9. Loving Vincent
I hate that this movie is on this list. I was super excited to see it because it's so revolutionary! But oh my god, it's boring! This is the movie that was completely painted. It's literally a moving painting. It is beautiful, but slow. To be fair, it was really late when I watched it, and I was tired, so I was falling in and out of sleep. The just thing to do would be to re-watch the film while it's not late and I'm not super tired, but from what I saw of the film, I have no desire to do so. It is quite slow. You know what this movie reminds me of? Citizen Kane. Citizen Kane is also very revolutionary for its time, but it is a film that is VERY difficult for me to get through. I have had to watch Citizen Kane multiple times for various film classes, and to this day, I can tell you that I have never NOT fallen asleep while watching that movie. I think it's safe to say that Loving Vincent will have the same affect on me. The plot is kind of similar. A year after Vincent Van Gogh's death, a postman's son, Armand, is given the task to deliver a letter Vincent Van Gogh wrote to his now deceased brother. Since both Vincent and the brother are dead, I think Armand is trying to decide who is the next best person to receive the letter. Why this letter was not delivered in the first place...that I am not clear on. Anyway, in his mission to find a worthy recipient, Armand interviews various people in Vincent's life and learns a lot about who Vincent was, and how people perceived him to be. In the end, Vincent is more mysterious and misunderstood than ever to Armand. Much like Vincent's paintings themselves.
8. My Cousin Rachel
So around August, I usually start researching possible Oscar contenders from various internet sources, and I add anything that sounds interesting to my Netflix list. That way, the movies are always on my radar, and I can see them once they become available. Most of the time, the predictions are really good movies, and a handful of them do end up with Oscar nominations. But in this case, My Cousin Rachel was NOT Oscar worthy. I think someone somewhere on the internet had put this on their Oscar contender list because Rachel Weisz turned in a good performance, and then I happened to stumble upon this person's list, and added the film to my Netflix list. Well, whoever this mysterious person is (there is no way for me to find out - I browse many, many articles, blogs, etc.) should be fired! To be fair, the movie isn't awful. It is only at #8 on this list after all. But it's kind of freakin' boring! And there's a lot of incest in it. Cousin Rachel goes from one cousin to the next. Ew. I have a very hard time with incest....
7. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
I feel like I said the exact same thing about Pirates 4: "Why do they keep making these and why do I keep watching them?" It wasn't as bad as number 4. And Orlando and Keira pop up in this one, so that was kind of fun to see them. But, yeah. So over these movies. It makes me sad that this franchise just went to hell. The first Pirates is exceptionally good and it never gets old, but I can't stand any of the others! Speaking of old, by now, the character of Jack Sparrow should be in his 60's! He adventures around with Orlando and Keira's son in this one, and the kid is like 20 years old! If they make number 6 - and hope they do not! - but if they do, I hope Jack Sparrow dies in it.
6. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Okay I'll be upfront with you. I didn't exactly watch this movie. Not really. It was on, and very early into it, I lost interest and started browsing Instagram. And then nothing from the movie stuck. So, I mean, technically, this should fall into the category of "haven't seen" for me, but I feel like I saw enough to know it wasn't good. Charlie Hunnam is hot, and even he couldn't keep me away from Instagram. That's gotta be a bad sign, right?
5. El Camino Christmas
This is a Netflix movie. Not sure if anyone has seen it, but I don't recommend it. Something about this guy who holds people up in a convenience store during Christmas Eve, and there's a stand off between him and the cops outside. But it was really all one big misunderstanding and a bunch of people die when there was really no need. Dax Shepard plays a dodo cop. I think it was supposed to be a comedy of sorts? It wasn't stab me in the face terrible, but it was pretty bad.
4. Beauty and the Beast
I'm going to get a lot of crap for this one. I realize how successful and how beloved this film was. But I'm sorry, you guys, let's be honest. You can't fix perfection. The original Beauty and the Beast is as good as any movie can be. A live action adaptation is not going to do anything to elevate the story in any way! And those lame scenes that were added to, like, explain Beast more? Completely unnecessary! And while we're on the subject of Beast, let's talk about how awful he looked! I did not like the horns or his nose or his FACE. He looked stupid. He sounded stupid too. You know who else sounded stupid? Belle. Normally, I do like Emma Watson. But her performance was AWFUL! She put NO expression into her performance at all! It was on par with a Kirsten Stewart Twilight performance, and if you know me, you know how much I HATE Kristen Stewart in Twilight. Animated Belle's performance had more expression and enthusiasm than live action Emma Watson did. I was extremely disappointed. I do love me some Ewan McGregor, and it was great to hear him sing Be Our Guest, but Ewan couldn't save it. I will say, though, that there was one bright light that shone in this movie. One person who made the atrocious experience of watching this movie tolerable. And that is Luke Evans as Gaston. Before Beauty and the Beast, I didn't really know who he was. Now I see him everywhere! He's FANTASTIC as Gaston! His performance was magnetic, and his singing was really great! I am now a fan and I can't wait to watch him in films! Just not this one.
3. The Snowman
*Warning: Spoilers!* I guess it was only a matter of time before Fassy is in a bad movie. I heard rumors that this was bad, but I shrugged them off because it's Fassy, and Fassy usually picks good films, so I went in not expecting anything. Hot damn, this movie is bad! Even Fassy couldn't save it! The most hilarious thing is how seriously the film takes itself, yet, the entire plot doesn't make sense. I can't explain it to you without giving away the twist, but the movie is so terrible, that I don't really feel bad about the diarrhea of spoilers I'm about to inflict on you.
So the story is, there's this serial killer who goes around killing people, and every time he kills someone, he builds a snowman. Each time the film reveals a dead body, they would cut to the snowman nearby and play ominous music - it was hilarious! Fassy is the detective who is investigating the case. In the end, they reveal who the killer is, and why he is killing all these people. WELL it turns out that the killer was raised by his mother, and the two of them lived in deserted house in the middle of nowhere. He and his mother would get weekly visits from "Uncle" every Tuesday. During these visits "Uncle" would help the boy with his homework, abuse his mother, and then have sex with her. He would also overhear conversations between his mother and "Uncle" about how he doesn't know the truth, or how "Uncle's" wife and real family doesn't know the truth. And whenever he would ask his mom who his father is, she would refuse to tell him. Now, maybe the kid isn't too bright, but I find it VERY difficult to believe that he never put the pieces together. His mother dies in a car accident trying to chase down "Uncle". And what was the kid doing right before his mother died? Building a snowman! But here's where nothing makes sense. Even though his mother was nice to him (as far as I could tell), and even though it was "Uncle" who beat up his mother and drove her to her death, the kid hated his mother so much that he grew up to be the killer of single mothers who won't tell their children who their dad is. ????? Dafuq, right?!? Why he got a grudge against his mom? First of all, if you seriously couldn't figure out that "Uncle" is your dad, you're dumb. Secondly, your mom was trying to protect you from your piece of shit dad. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!! If anything, he should be going around murdering abusive deadbeat fathers who pretend to be uncles. And the whole snowman thing...hysterical!
2. The Great Wall
I'm going to clear up the rumors: Matt Damon does NOT play an Asian in this movie. It's not racist yellow face casting like how Emma Stone played an Asian in Aloha. Matt Damon's character is white. And honestly, I didn't find the film racist, per say. What it is, however, is a missed opportunity and a retelling of a tired narrative. Matt Damon's character didn't have to be European. The character could have been written as an Asian from another country. What's frustrating is that most of the entire cast is Chinese, even some of the crew and director are Chinese, and I believe it was shot in China, yet, the producers still chose to cast a famous American WHITE actor as the star, the lead, and ultimately and most frustratingly, the character who saves China. There are so many movies out there about a white man who comes to a foreign land, masters the native's skills, is better at those skills than the locals who have been doing it for hundreds of years, and then ascends to being the their god/white savior. As an Asian, I'm so done with this white savior narrative. SO DONE. But putting aside the racial issues, the film itself is not good.
1. Snatched
This movie is very poor. Obviously - it IS #1 on the list. I think the producers thought that just because they made a raunchy movie starring Amy Schumer with a dirty title, they'd automatically make money. It's like ever since Bridesmaids, studios have been trying to appeal to that same audience with cheap, trashy movies. Don't get me wrong. I love a good cheap trashy flick, but you gotta have heart to it. Which is what this movie is greatly missing. They tried to show heart by making the story a mother-daughter bonding thing, but they didn't try hard enough. It wasn't even funny.
It's been a while since I've read a Benivekim movie list. I gotta say, I still love it. -aPpLeCideR98
ReplyDelete