It's that time again! As always I will post my ten favorite films of the year on Oscar night, this Sunday! Please enjoy this list of movies that I really did not like from 2016! What were some of the films you hated?
10. Zoolander 2
I will admit that I laughed quite a few times. It was pretty funny and I think they did a decent job at making a film that the fans of the original Zoolander would like. But it did fall flat overall, and I think they were trying too hard at some parts. In the beginning of the movie, Derek's Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too collapses, killing his wife and injuring Hansel. Because he's so dumb, Derek is deemed unfit to keep his son, Derek Junior, who gets sent away to an orphanage. Derek and Hansel have a falling out and don't speak to each other for 15 years. Meanwhile, famous celebrities are being murdered and posting their farewell messages to social media, flashing a Zoolander inspired modeling face. Zoolander and Hansel are recruited by Interpol to help solve the case, and are dragged back into the modeling industry in the process. Generally speaking, I didn't think this movie was god awful, however, I was disappointed and ultimately let down. I was expecting better.
9. Me Before You
*Warning: Spoilers!* I'm not going to talk about the controversies that surrounded this film. The whole "Why didn't they cast an actual handicapped person?" issue. I'm not even going to talk about the whole "Is assisted suicide wrong?" debate. I will, however, talk about how average this movie is! It's only ranked number 9, so it's not horrible. But I can't say that I enjoyed it either. The story is about a young man named Will who gets in a motorcycle accident that leaves him paralyzed. He constantly talks about killing himself so his mother hires Louisa, a fun, spunky young woman, to be his caretaker in hopes that her son will learn to love life again. Predictably, Will and Louisa fall in love, but perhaps unpredictably Will still decides he wants to end his life. The end is supposed to leave you in tears because Will kills himself, but I personally didn't really care that much. Louisa's character was cute and bubbly and I liked her, but Will was kind of a dick. I mean, yeah, I know he's paralyzed in a wheelchair - he deserves to be an irritable person - but if you want to win me over as an audience member, you're gonna have to do better than that!
8. The Secret Life of Pets
I heard this was bad, but I wanted to see it anyway because I'm crazy dog lady and I'm a sucker for any movie about dogs. It was bad. Not the worst ever, but pretty lame. It's basically Toy Story but with dogs. Max, a terrier living in an apartment in New York, is living the good life until his human brings home another dog Duke, a new "brother" for Max. Max is not pleased with his new brother; he is very jealous. The two manage to leave the the apartment, get themselves into trouble, and end up lost in the city while their animal friends try to rescue them. The bar for animated films has been set so high lately that I just assume all animated movies are going to be good, and am very disappointed when they're not. This one wasn't particularly funny or cute, and definitely wasn't original in any way. It was a pretty big let down for this crazy dog lady.
7. Southside with You
You all know I love the Obamas. This movie really intrigued me. It's about Barack and Michelle's first date. Unfortunately, it was really boring! The whole movie is them just talking. Which is fine, there are a lot of really good movies that's just two people talking (the Before Sunrise trilogy, for example) but this is not one of them. The dialogue didn't seem natural. It almost played out like a high school assignment where the assignment is to write a play imagining Barack and Michelle's first date. It was like, "Hi, I'm Barack. I'm from Hawaii. My mother is white. My father is African." "Nice to meet you, Barack. I'm Michelle. I'm a highly educated attorney." Okay it wasn't quite that on the nose, but almost! I don't think it was the actors' fault. They did fine. It was the writing. The writing was boring. And if you managed to make two of the most interesting people in the country boring then that's pretty sad. The other Obama movie, Barry, was better.
6. Last Days in the Desert
The best part of this movie is when a kid farts in front of Jesus and Jesus laughs. When that scene happened, Pat and I just looked at each other like, "What in the world?!" Because it's a serious movie! It's about Jesus's last days, for crying out loud! So the fart really threw us off. Other than that, this movie is just...ugh. I only wanted to watch it because Ewan plays Jesus.
5. Jane Got a Gun
I'll be honest with you. I kind of stopped paying attention to this movie about 10 minutes into it. I was working from home, and I actually had to work, so I tuned the movie out. Perhaps if I had turned my full attention to it, I would have liked it more, but the fact that I allowed my attention to sway and don't even care, I think that says something about how good the movie is. Ewan is in this movie too! Not a good year for Ewan, huh? Natalie Portman plays a woman whose husband is being hunted by a gang, and she has to turn to her ex finance to help her. Why? I have no idea!
4. Sword of Destiny
This is a Netflix original movie. It's pretty bad. But also kind of funny in that silly, cheesy way. But the thing is, I don't think it meant to be cheesy. It's a sequel to the infinitely superior Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I was hoping it would be just as gorgeous as the original, but it so completely was not. Michelle Yeoh's character returns in this movie to safeguard the late Li Mu Bai's famous sword, Green Destiny, which is still being pursued by bad people. She's joined by a gang of misfits, including a young lady who I think - I THINK - is supposed to be the daughter of Zhang Ziyi's character from the first Crouching Tiger.
3. The Huntsman: Winter's War
I did not like Snow White and the Huntsman, and I did not like The Huntsman: Winter's War. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I just don't know.
2. Suicide Squad
I was really looking forward to Suicide Squad because the trailer looked so cool. But once it came out, everyone kept saying how bad it was that I lost some interest. So I watched it when it came out on DVD and yeah...everyone was right. It's bad. It's REALLY bad. The best parts are when Ben pops up as Batman/Bruce Wayne, but other than that, the movie is a complete disastrous mess! Apparently it was shot and re-shot; cut and re-cut, and it shows. Studios think audiences can't tell when they pull stuff like this. We can tell. Whatever happened to writing a good, solid script from the START and filming that, instead of figuring it out as you go along based off of a mix of the success/failure of other films in your franchise and buzz on the internet? That is a terrible way to make a film, and even worse way to run a film franchise! I know fan boys/girls can be tough to please. But I guarantee you that if your first priority is to make a great film, rather than making money or stroking your own ego, you WILL please the fans.
1. Yoga Hosers
Kevin, what in the hell are you doing? I hate to do this! I hate to put your latest film as my number one least liked movie AGAIN. But seriously, dude, what are you DOING?!? I used to love you so much! I loved you undyingly because your movies were funny, smart, and even emotionally touching at times! I loved you because you came from nothing and broke into the industry by talent alone. I loved watching your skills as filmmaker improve and your films evolve and grow. But now?? Now I don't even recognize your movies anymore! I don't even think you care to be a good filmmaker anymore. I feel like you just want to screw around with your friends and family, and there's nothing wrong with that! We all want to goof off and mess around. But don't take your career down with you! I appreciate that you want to make movies as like "family time" with your wife and daughter. Do that! They're both quite good actors for being non-professionals. But put them in movies that are actually good! Give them something to really work with! Don't write crap like this for them! They're better than this! YOU are better than this! This is just lazy! It's lazy writing, it's lazy filmmaking! UGH! I'm so disappointed in you, Kevin. This movie was trash!
10. Zoolander 2
I will admit that I laughed quite a few times. It was pretty funny and I think they did a decent job at making a film that the fans of the original Zoolander would like. But it did fall flat overall, and I think they were trying too hard at some parts. In the beginning of the movie, Derek's Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to do Other Stuff Good Too collapses, killing his wife and injuring Hansel. Because he's so dumb, Derek is deemed unfit to keep his son, Derek Junior, who gets sent away to an orphanage. Derek and Hansel have a falling out and don't speak to each other for 15 years. Meanwhile, famous celebrities are being murdered and posting their farewell messages to social media, flashing a Zoolander inspired modeling face. Zoolander and Hansel are recruited by Interpol to help solve the case, and are dragged back into the modeling industry in the process. Generally speaking, I didn't think this movie was god awful, however, I was disappointed and ultimately let down. I was expecting better.
9. Me Before You
*Warning: Spoilers!* I'm not going to talk about the controversies that surrounded this film. The whole "Why didn't they cast an actual handicapped person?" issue. I'm not even going to talk about the whole "Is assisted suicide wrong?" debate. I will, however, talk about how average this movie is! It's only ranked number 9, so it's not horrible. But I can't say that I enjoyed it either. The story is about a young man named Will who gets in a motorcycle accident that leaves him paralyzed. He constantly talks about killing himself so his mother hires Louisa, a fun, spunky young woman, to be his caretaker in hopes that her son will learn to love life again. Predictably, Will and Louisa fall in love, but perhaps unpredictably Will still decides he wants to end his life. The end is supposed to leave you in tears because Will kills himself, but I personally didn't really care that much. Louisa's character was cute and bubbly and I liked her, but Will was kind of a dick. I mean, yeah, I know he's paralyzed in a wheelchair - he deserves to be an irritable person - but if you want to win me over as an audience member, you're gonna have to do better than that!
8. The Secret Life of Pets
I heard this was bad, but I wanted to see it anyway because I'm crazy dog lady and I'm a sucker for any movie about dogs. It was bad. Not the worst ever, but pretty lame. It's basically Toy Story but with dogs. Max, a terrier living in an apartment in New York, is living the good life until his human brings home another dog Duke, a new "brother" for Max. Max is not pleased with his new brother; he is very jealous. The two manage to leave the the apartment, get themselves into trouble, and end up lost in the city while their animal friends try to rescue them. The bar for animated films has been set so high lately that I just assume all animated movies are going to be good, and am very disappointed when they're not. This one wasn't particularly funny or cute, and definitely wasn't original in any way. It was a pretty big let down for this crazy dog lady.
7. Southside with You
You all know I love the Obamas. This movie really intrigued me. It's about Barack and Michelle's first date. Unfortunately, it was really boring! The whole movie is them just talking. Which is fine, there are a lot of really good movies that's just two people talking (the Before Sunrise trilogy, for example) but this is not one of them. The dialogue didn't seem natural. It almost played out like a high school assignment where the assignment is to write a play imagining Barack and Michelle's first date. It was like, "Hi, I'm Barack. I'm from Hawaii. My mother is white. My father is African." "Nice to meet you, Barack. I'm Michelle. I'm a highly educated attorney." Okay it wasn't quite that on the nose, but almost! I don't think it was the actors' fault. They did fine. It was the writing. The writing was boring. And if you managed to make two of the most interesting people in the country boring then that's pretty sad. The other Obama movie, Barry, was better.
6. Last Days in the Desert
The best part of this movie is when a kid farts in front of Jesus and Jesus laughs. When that scene happened, Pat and I just looked at each other like, "What in the world?!" Because it's a serious movie! It's about Jesus's last days, for crying out loud! So the fart really threw us off. Other than that, this movie is just...ugh. I only wanted to watch it because Ewan plays Jesus.
5. Jane Got a Gun
I'll be honest with you. I kind of stopped paying attention to this movie about 10 minutes into it. I was working from home, and I actually had to work, so I tuned the movie out. Perhaps if I had turned my full attention to it, I would have liked it more, but the fact that I allowed my attention to sway and don't even care, I think that says something about how good the movie is. Ewan is in this movie too! Not a good year for Ewan, huh? Natalie Portman plays a woman whose husband is being hunted by a gang, and she has to turn to her ex finance to help her. Why? I have no idea!
4. Sword of Destiny
This is a Netflix original movie. It's pretty bad. But also kind of funny in that silly, cheesy way. But the thing is, I don't think it meant to be cheesy. It's a sequel to the infinitely superior Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. I was hoping it would be just as gorgeous as the original, but it so completely was not. Michelle Yeoh's character returns in this movie to safeguard the late Li Mu Bai's famous sword, Green Destiny, which is still being pursued by bad people. She's joined by a gang of misfits, including a young lady who I think - I THINK - is supposed to be the daughter of Zhang Ziyi's character from the first Crouching Tiger.
3. The Huntsman: Winter's War
I did not like Snow White and the Huntsman, and I did not like The Huntsman: Winter's War. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I just don't know.
2. Suicide Squad
I was really looking forward to Suicide Squad because the trailer looked so cool. But once it came out, everyone kept saying how bad it was that I lost some interest. So I watched it when it came out on DVD and yeah...everyone was right. It's bad. It's REALLY bad. The best parts are when Ben pops up as Batman/Bruce Wayne, but other than that, the movie is a complete disastrous mess! Apparently it was shot and re-shot; cut and re-cut, and it shows. Studios think audiences can't tell when they pull stuff like this. We can tell. Whatever happened to writing a good, solid script from the START and filming that, instead of figuring it out as you go along based off of a mix of the success/failure of other films in your franchise and buzz on the internet? That is a terrible way to make a film, and even worse way to run a film franchise! I know fan boys/girls can be tough to please. But I guarantee you that if your first priority is to make a great film, rather than making money or stroking your own ego, you WILL please the fans.
1. Yoga Hosers
Kevin, what in the hell are you doing? I hate to do this! I hate to put your latest film as my number one least liked movie AGAIN. But seriously, dude, what are you DOING?!? I used to love you so much! I loved you undyingly because your movies were funny, smart, and even emotionally touching at times! I loved you because you came from nothing and broke into the industry by talent alone. I loved watching your skills as filmmaker improve and your films evolve and grow. But now?? Now I don't even recognize your movies anymore! I don't even think you care to be a good filmmaker anymore. I feel like you just want to screw around with your friends and family, and there's nothing wrong with that! We all want to goof off and mess around. But don't take your career down with you! I appreciate that you want to make movies as like "family time" with your wife and daughter. Do that! They're both quite good actors for being non-professionals. But put them in movies that are actually good! Give them something to really work with! Don't write crap like this for them! They're better than this! YOU are better than this! This is just lazy! It's lazy writing, it's lazy filmmaking! UGH! I'm so disappointed in you, Kevin. This movie was trash!
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